I surprise myself.

Howdy! That is sooo weird. Who says ‘Howdy’?!

Anywho. It is a well-established fact that I am not known for my generosity in giving out ‘forgiveness’ cards for those who have wronged me. But due to my fear of Death, thankfully, I have started to realise that it is easier to forgive at times where your mind lets you think that your life is on the line. Which is quite true, in a way. I have forgiven this person. (cue applause and standing ovation please. This is a great achievement). I am going to maintain the quality of my forgiving by asking Allah to make pure my intentions. I want to be sincere in forgiving this person. So I shall. Fear of dying means I am afraid that I’ll die without ever having the chance to make amends and also to put the ones who’ve wronged me out of their misery since I know one day I’m going to have to forgive them anyway. So just to cut out the time period in which my heart would normally have taken to ‘heal’ and come to a decision to forgive, I’ll just forgive now because Death can come and take me away any time. I am the bigger person. I want to stay that way. I want to forgive first and ask for forgiveness first.

It does feel weird to be too nice like this. But I guess it’s not wrong to feel that way. Baby steps. The road to Heaven is treacherous, afterall. If you don’t toughen up and break that wall of ego, you’ll never be able to forgive or seek forgiveness for yourself and that only leads to more trouble.

So is this the new me? Forgiving and non-egoistic? A change in my personality! I sorta like it. A bit awkward but  I hope it stays. Its for the better anyway. Worth the discomfort.

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