In search of a new identity

I have been moving around a lot in this virtual world as of late, trying to figure out the kind of personality I have created for myself  by existing here on the web. I’ve been here long enough, and I have observed a lot, but perceived- perhaps, very little.

I often wonder if the people on the internet actually believe each other to be as the personality their profiles and blogs create. I have come to personally conclude that each of them at a certain point, know for a fact -or at least claim- to know that there’s more (or less) to an individual than a lonely person ranting behind a computer screen or a too-wise-for-their-age genius philosopher with an access to internet. As much as most testify to that belief, they don’t actually act like it. They judge, and form circles of their own; defining who’s cool and who’s not from a certain internet community, pushing around those who don’t make the cut- of 1000+ comments or notes.

I started out clean. I mean, all I wanted was space to vent out whatever I felt like telling. But as the attention came, and word got out to my real-life acquaintances, I began to draw lines defining the contents of which I was writing or publishing. I had to make sure I had nice stuff written for those I’m close with  in real life, I had to sort of like, be careful and at  the same time, I began to enjoy the attention. I couldn’t care less about quality or news-worthy stories. I just wrote and wrote and there I was, washed out to the sea of hypocrisy and far far away from originality.

And then whenever it  hit me that I was achieving nothing out of this, I created a new site. Started out clean, and then I got carried away again. And started afresh yet again. The cycle was continuous and it was revolting. I was so disgusted with myself; the teenage girl who craved for attention and who feigned nonchalance and innocence.

Now this too, is a new beginning. Part of the cycle, that I’m aware of, but I’m trying to stay afloat. Part of the plan is to re-create and re-discover the essence of originality. But also to convey my findings of the reality of internet personality.

My personality has not changed; it’s just tainted with different ones that aren’t of my own. My interests have not changed either; they’re just smeared with the interests of other people. My desires too have not changed; they’re hidden deep under the desires of others. And here I am to resurrect myself.