Part of the reason why I’ve kind of put off writing is because I hate confrontation. You might ask, what has writing a few lines got to do with any sort of head-to-head deal? It’s not a war, why do you have to make writing seem like such a burden? Everything. It’s got everything to do with it. As I’ve said many times before, writing is not only therapeutic to me, it is an integral part of my life that helps solve, heal and mend things. However, getting there is a bit of a problem. Like any other issue you encounter in life, the first step is to face the music, isn’t it? I’m a person who hates confrontation in general. I can BE confrontational when the situation gives me the upper hand- wow, how convenient right? For example, I’ll the first to tell a server that there is hair in my food or that it isn’t satisfactory, I’ll be the first to lodge a complaint against the law and the first to want to set things straight for the people. Maybe that’s why I love debating. It makes me feel like I’ve made somebody understand “where it hurts” when I get to change their mind. Basically any situation where I feel mistreated or where justice, in my eyes, has not been served, you can bet your money that I’m all about that confrontation life there. BUT, in situations where it involves MY feelings heavily, I’m a coward. A big baby. I hate having to tear down the walls that I’ve painstakingly built brick by brick, and deliberately expose myself to the cold wind that confrontation brings. Yeah, nope. No thanks! Try sending me a text telling me about how you feel about me (positive or negative), I avoid it like a man avoids virus. I don’t read them. There you go. You know what I do? I ask someone (usually my best friend) to read and digest it for me. Go through the fire for me, and tell me the gist of it. I don’t want to hear it all. It’s an unnecessarily painful task. (You have been treated to an exclusive piece of information, please don’t abuse it lol.)
Nothing about confrontation feels empowering. Lodging a complaint about a flaw in the law does. It boosts your ego, makes you feel like a king because, well, the customer is always right, and I’m human. Okay? I admit it, I’m very human alright.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just put too much emotions into my writing. Maybe I’m too honest to the point that sometimes I find myself scavenging for metaphors to scatter here and there in order to conceal the parts where I’ve exposed too much of myself. What am I afraid of? Afraid to be seen as vulnerable? Afraid to be found? Afraid that my true weak self would come through?
This is true even in my salaah and duaas. When I haven’t been putting my maximum effort into my prayers I know that what I’m avoiding is confrontation. I hate a soulless prayer, more than anything. So if I’m not ready to “tear down my defences and feed my soul to the wolves” i.e, confront i.e, make dual, I just do the bare minimum. I have memorized many duaas that now sit at the edge of my tongue. It’s easy for me to just roll it all off and say them in my sujood, but I don’t when I’m not ready. I find myself asking, do I really want to ask for rizq “min haythu la (ah/)yahtasibu”? right now? Do I really want to say “aslih lee sha’nee kullah” when what I really feel is something else? I’m not ready to break down, I don’t have to do it now.
But isn’t this where the problem lies?
Till when have I got to wait till I’m ready to face reality to say a soulFUL prayer? Till when have I got to wait till I’m ready to confront? We don’t get to choose when to fight because when an enemy comes, you’ve got to fight him off immediately. You can’t just tell him to come back when you’re ready. It just doesn’t work like that. I think I’ve missed the whole point of prayer. Isn’t one of the reasons it’s “kitaaban mawqoota” (prescribed at its specific timings) so that it serves as a constant “net” for whenever you fall at any time of the day (or night)? Isn’t that the whole point of prayer- to confess? And to confess is to “come as you are?” Here I am again with my metaphors.
My point is- I don’t always have to be ready, do I? I just have to do it, even when I’m at my lowest low, even without a mental armour… just pray. Just write. Let the vulnerability show. After all, it IS your Rabb that you are speaking to. Who else knows you better than you know yourself?
Every time I go on a writing hiatus I always come back to this very same conclusion and I post the very same thing, just worded differently. And even after realizing it I still publish it because I needed to hear it again, BECAUSE I went through it again. I haven’t learnt my lesson… which makes me human. This brings me to a small little light bulb moment- that perhaps every person in life, according to their tragic flaw (Greek lit anyone? Hamaratia? Fatal flaw, no?), has an issue around which they keep revolving, like a moon around a planet, and a planet around the sun. If you think about it, that friend that keeps coming back to you for advice every year, comes back with the very same issue really, just different characters involved every time, and is no different than you going through life and encountering the very same problem, just in different lights. Life is very…. thematic. I’m about to reach a very important breakthrough in the topic of human existentialism, guys. Too much? Ok bye maybe it’s the fasting that’s doing all this :P
On a serious note, -not that the almost-breakthrough wasn’t a serious one, who wants to bet that the next time I log in to this blog I’ll be talking about the VERY SAME THING? Because I’ll stay away from writing AGAIN, and come to this realization AGAIN, and write how I hate writing when I’m not ready to confront my soul and it’s more-issues-than-Vogue AGAIN. Sigh. Sorry to disappoint. What can I say.. I’m a very predictable human being!
p.s. Ramadan Mubarak!