In Between Themes: Is where I exist

One day I looked into the mirror and the girl looked back at me and asked,

 

“hey, what exactly are you?”

 

Never in my 20 years of living did I think I’d ever get such a question from an illusion,

Her bluntness certainly grabbed my attention

Is this rhetorical? It is a bit comical. Is this a trick question? It seems philosophical. Or is this serious one, should I ask her? And if it is, and what if I have no answer?

 

The reason for that is because

it was a question beyond what is superficial

beyond the difference between my race and nationality,

beyond the complexity of where I was raised, to where I have my residency,

from where I live currently to the land which I pray for prosperity.

 

I’ve asked myself this a thousand times over

Is it possible to feel and be genuine in every circle that I’m in

But be a different set of me in every of those circles at the same time?

 

I am a product of everything I read, touch and feel,

A product of my upbringing and my choice of meals

 

My opinions are based off the views of many somebodies’;

my thoughts yield from the lessons imparted on me

My inclinations are born from the different tastes and sensations I have taken on

my ambitions I have carved out of my own clouds of inspiration like you do,

I am the creation of my experiences and my decisions-

But perhaps that isn’t the answer that everyone envisions

 

I just couldn’t give her a simpler response

For I am not my skin colour

Nor am I my attire

I am not my native tongue

Or my city’s lingo

Neither am I what you conclude from this intro.

 

In between themes is where I find myself to be

I move in between harsh lines and soft edges;

soft lines and harsh edges,

Erecting restrictions and fences for myself

With excuses in order to

To repress my desires

Hence this attire

Telling the soul to fit into a mould

It was never meant to hold.

In the planks of those fences are small doors

For when I feel tired of being couped up

I didn’t build a lock-

So my soul can find it’s way in and out of it

Whenever it needs to escape.

Sometimes I am a free spirit-

Who could show all of her emotions without hiding it

Who cares not about the people who might judge her for it

Other times I am a cold, lone ranger

who chooses to be that Muslim stranger

I cut off from the world

and try to find myself in nature.

In both worlds I must say

That I feel my most authentic self.

Wherever that I find happiness is where I belong.

Could a person belong in more than 1 world?

 

I exist in paradoxes and in contradiction in terms of what I want to be,

who I want to be associated with and be accepted by,

what I am going to do and where I am going to go from here on.

 

I am a rebel by accident, a full-time adventurer- but not by choice,

I like to think of all my misfortunes as me being miss fortunes

For sometimes, most times, they are blessings in disguise

 

Don’t feel sad for me

For although I seem to always be swerving

At least I am moving,

I am not lost despite the fact that I’m searching for something which I have yet to know

 

If you ask me whether

Should stick around in a place that is beginning to suffocate you

Although once it was your air supply I’d say:

All oxygen tanks have limits.

 

Don’t hold out until they call you a sellout

Or call you out

to minus points for your lack of participation

You don’t need to give any kind of explanation.

Don’t compromise on your own journey of self-discovery

To please and appease a crowd or an organization.

Don’t live your life tip-toeing around

Just because you may have liked their ways once.

Never feel obliged to shadow

When you were created to be light.

 

Find what gives your heart peace

Leave what disturbs it

Doubt is a most precious gift

But most don’t know it.

Honour those guests that interrupt your thoughts

It comes bearing an important message:

“Perhaps this isn’t where you are meant to be.” /

“It is time to pack up and make a move” /

“It’s been a lovely home, but I cannot stay.”

 

I am fluid in many circles, that is the only thing that is constant

With me

I do not feel uneasy when my circles collide but I think it’s pretty impossible

To exist in all,

Unchanging.
That is what ‘being myself’ really means to me,

It’s not about having just one face.

 

They say it is just a phase,

They’ll try to make you feel bad

About feeling displaced

But you are a melting pot

Of personalities-

able to accommodate to every situation,

you, the riser of occasions.

 

Remember that

You were never made for this world

No body builds a house on a bridge

If you know what I mean.

I don’t mean to sound cheesy

But the Hereafter is really what

Should determine the kind of identity

You want to have in this borrowed entity.

 

I exist in paradoxes and in contradiction in terms of what I want to be,

who I want to be associated with and be accepted by,

what I am going to do and where I am going to go from here on.

 

I used to be able to define myself better

Until something happened which changed in here

That transformed my life forever

and I stopped bothering to fit myself into a container

for I realized that being an ever-evolving creature

is really in our truest nature.

 

If there is one thing you should quit right now

Is to quit attaching labels to yourself

For everyone grows differently

Instead of in blocks of colours

Find yourself in the patterns

Instead of finding yourself in fixed time periods

Find yourself in the changing seasons

Instead of finding yourself in book characters

Find yourself in the plots that changed them.

 

I exist in paradoxes and in contradiction in terms of what I want to be,

who I want to be associated with and be accepted by,

what I am going to do and where I am going to go from here on.

 

You will soon find that you have always been constant

Constant in change

Because you are receptive,

And thinking, and are alive.

The only time you’ll be stagnant

Is when you’re 6-feet under, in God’s archive.

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