Two Sides of the Vacuum

God may test you in many ways but these two always choke the life out of me (before getting me on the path I was struggling to get to; the one I was meant to be on):

1. He tests you with trial after trial after trial to the point that you are exhausted to your bones and the bottommost part of your heart aches. You are constantly looking over your shoulder and are on your toes 24/7. You do not have time for pleasure and you see them as an extravagance and they become things you despise with your life in the heat of the moment. You have cried so much that your face, jaw and eyeballs are screaming for help. Your soul is awakened with so much uneasiness. Everything seems to go wrong and wrong-er (if I can say that). Here you realize -clearly- that this is a test because it is hardship of the obvious kind. God is actively testing you.

2. And then there is abandonment. I know losing somebody you love is a great pain that you may fall into great distress and the period of bereavement and temporary aimlessness is extremely tiresome, but God allowed you tears to cushion the pain a little. But emptiness, is a state of not being able to weep out of sadness or joy, not being able to smile in a time of ease such as a festivity, not being able to share in the emotions of another person. You are void of fear, worry, grief, anger, joy, love and inspiration. You hesitate to ask “Why am I not being tested yet?” perhaps because you don’t want to speak too soon, but it’s been a dry, long and draggy pathway. In the beginning you do not realise that this is a test, a hardship.. until Time reveals how long you have not shed a tear out of fear of Him. Now it is revealed to you that it was a trial masked in “ease”. You beg to know when this will be over because you want to be able to feel again. Here is where the heart is harder than stone, and it’s a dark place to be. And to me this is the worst of the two. Maybe here’s where God has neglected you.

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