Stuck in quicksand.

I think this blog should just be called ‘Yasmin writing only in her most vulnerable state-of-mind‘.

The style of writing that I have employed here is.. somewhat dangerous. Too much analyses for the public’s eye for my liking. But I’m keeping this site for myself, so even if a person reads every single one of my posts, he or she wouldn’t ever be able to determine the kind of person I really am. They might succeed in describing parts of me, yes. My energy. My appearance. My voice. My favourite things. But not me in the whole. Not me in essence. Not what is in my heart. Not my desires and fancies. None of that.

I am in this strange phase in life (I’m always at one) where every part of my being is at war with each other; with my mind against my heart, leading the messy battle of course! I am being tested for the knowledge I have so far, and the extent to which I’m putting them into action. I have lived in 10 different worlds, all in their extreme forms, and instead of fully committing myself to one, I have left not only footprints, but my very foot in each and every one of them. I have left a piece of my heart in each of these worlds. 

Just recently someone asked me how I’ve stopped listening to music. Here was my answer. I hesitated to answer it at first. But then I gathered up the courage to answer it anyway because hey, fear and anxiety attacks don’t last forever and the truth is, someone could really benefit from it. I was hesitant because I knew all eyes would be on me next. Not only that, it also meant that I was giving my word to Allah. It had never been a ‘formal’ thing, so to say.. it had always been a mental struggle. Now it’s become physical. And I realised that if I were to use the excuse that is my iman isn’t ‘there’ yet, I would be a fool. Iman or faith isn’t ever going to be constant. When it goes up, it’s bound to come down some time, and then up again. If I were to wait for it to be high up at all times, I’d never achieve my goal because such a thing would never happen! It all takes that one fat courage to just DO IT and pick it up from there. 

And so I did it. Just like how others did with their hijab, I did it to starve my desires to listen to forbidden things.

One foot out of the sand. Oww yeah.

Now 9 more to go?


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